I can raise either eyebrow. Left or right or both. “Look ma no hands!” Maybe it’s not that cool, but it does come in handy when I see something that makes me think, “Mmm…that seems off. What’s the deal there?” OK, the things I list below may seem normal at first, but after lots of overthinking (check) you actually start to have some reservations about the people participating in them. Until I can sort out what exactly is wrong with each offense, I will file the perpetrators under my brain’s “Watch List.”  It’s possible I’m alone on these, but for your consideration here are a few things that may be worthy of your skepticism: 

LOVING the color purple.

Purple has a strange, unlikely cult following. Do you know someone who loves purple? I bet you do…Let me guess, is this person an older woman? And is she a little bit crazy? I rest my case. Usually the more into purple this woman is, the more she is also into cats and hoarding. I can’t think of a single other color that draws the same level of loyalty and passion (or really any level of loyalty and passion) from grown-ups as the color purple. As kids we love and identify with a color, and then we grow out of it. But not this group. The older they get the more their passion for purple grows. Here’s a true story…while writing this I googled “Older women loving purple” and happened to come upon a 50 and older society of women named the Red Hat Society, and guess what color they wear…PURPLE! What is this? I also discovered a famous poem titled When I am Old by Jenny Joseph that only confirmed my suspicions. First line: “When I am an old woman I shall wear purple…I shall go out in my slippers in the rain….and hoard pens and pencils and beer mats and things in boxes.”  I swear to you I wrote all of the above before stumbling on this poem. 

I also found an article on the website “SixtyAndMe.com” about what colors older women should wear. The author suggested staying away from anything in the red family. Below the article were 30 Comments, 16 from women like Moreen and Patrice still recommending PURPLE. They’re out trolling the internet on behalf of purple!

Moreen you aren’t making any sense! And your friends and I are concerned.

What’s worse is purple is probably one of the most unattractive colors this world has to offer. No one paints their home purple, or buys purple cars, and most don’t even wear purple clothes.  Purple is hardly found in nature at all. The name purple even sounds frumpy. So why, WHY, does this color have so many slightly kooky ladies devoted to it? What is the correlation? It’s 2016, how have scientists not figured this out yet?! Until they make sense of the madness, I’ll be over here, wondering about people in purple.

Driving a windowless van.

Do not all people raise their suspicions at the sight of a van without windows?  Can you imagine if your friend started dating a guy with a windowless van? It’s like there wouldn’t be enough redeeming qualities to ever justify it. No, it’s not that windows are an essential car feature, but they come standard. So a person with a  windowless van must have gone specifically out of their way to have a van without peep holes, right? They are so obviously hiding something. And guys, I’m worried it’s children. I guess there’s a chance it’s just valuable work tools they don’t want stolen. But I’m way more tempted to break into a van without windows just so I can help free the children they are possibly hiding. Of everything on my Watch List, I worry most about the windowless van. And vans with blinds and curtains aren’t much better.

Wearing pinky rings.

A painting I really liked until…

I mean really, can you think of a smugger accessory than the pinky ring? So little ring, and yet so much pretension. The guy wearing it had choices of where to place a ring…Certainly not ol’ thumb, far too busy to be worried about its appearance. Pointer’s clear job is to direct attention away from itself. So not there. Obviously middle finger is unwilling to soften its harsh blow with a trinket. Then there’s ring finger. BAM. But wait, amazingly he passes ring finger, whose name is so expressly given so that a person will not confuse where to place a ring. Why deny ring finger his one job? The little finger, better known as Pinky, isn’t supposed to be good for really anything. Pinky is like an irritating sidekick responsible for following along and keeping his mouth shut. The pinky ring wearer chooses to give their least impressive appendage the most adornment. And that choice worries me. What other lame parts of himself is he willing to bury under a pile of distraction? I really hate shaking hands with a pinky ring wearer. Their bad decision is now being rubbed in the palm of my hand. Please no. Every villain wears a pink ring. For a reason. It’s an enormously suspicious fashion move. The pinky ring is a time-proven signal from movie directors to international, cross-culture audiences that this person cannot be trusted. He’s the bad guy. Duh, he’s wearing a pinky ring.

Asking someone if they’re ticklish.

This is an odd flirting technique I’ve had the misfortune of encountering. Usually by a not-so-slightly socially awkward guy thinking he’s pulling a fast one. Ladies, if a guy asks you if you’re ticklish, look him square in the eyes and give a firm, “No.”  No, I’m not ticklish and you are not to test me on this. If you confess you are ticklish, he interprets your admission as an invitation for him to go ahead and touch you, forcing you to laugh as if you like it. Even though people (except for children) hate being tickled, the act forces you to make sounds that appear happy and encouraging. It’s sick and twisted. No one is allowed to extract laughter from me using unsolicited, forceful physical touch. Even if he seems just like a dorky, weird guy- beware the tickler. 

Choosing to keep a “soul patch.”

I don’t get the soul patch. And I am slow to trust a man with one. It seems like a bait and switch maneuver. A guy appears all clean cut, but once he gets you upclose and personal he reveals some strange, edgy side. He goes in for a kiss and WAM the furry intruder. I don’t like finding out important things like that at the last minute. And why is it called a “soul patch”? What about 12 unwelcome strands of hair makes you soulful? Can one patch really offer that much promise? I think no. Nowhere else on the body is a ¼” tuft of hair allowed to stay, without it being something you missed while shaving. An unsightly mistake. And the soul patch IMO is just that.

Look I’m sure there are great people out there, friends even, with purple fetishes, ticklish tendencies, soul patches and sentimental rings placed on their pinkies for the sake of size. Fine, fine. Live and let live. But again, I still say proceed with caution. I would also recommend raising a brow to the advice of anyone with the energy to sit and blog about these things.  

Next up on “What’s up with that?”: free couches, the simultaneous wearing of beanies and tank tops, cheap haircuts, expensive haircuts, and having one long fingernail.