How did we decide which foods should be eaten with a fork, and which foods should be eaten with our fingers? Is there any logic behind finger food etiquette? (Side thought: should mac and cheese be eaten with a spoon or a fork? Ugh then there’s the spork. Don’t get me started on the spork…)

Too late. Here I go. Some people think sporks were invented by a genius. A master compromiser if you will. In reality, the spork was actually initiated by an indecisive guy who created a useless utensil, disappointing forks with its little baby teeth, and making for a sad excuse of a spoon with a dip that couldn’t hold more than a couple drops of liquid. You can tell sporks were a bad idea because none of us own them. You know who the only spork owners are? Here’s a hint: the one institution who will throw money at anything unpromising. The government, of course. The victims of this purchase? Public school children all over America. As well as prisoners. That’s right. They give sporks to prisoners because they make for terrible weapons. Can sporks do anything right?  I think we can all learn a lesson from the spork: sometimes you just have to pick a side. Better to be something all the way than halfway. Spreading yourself too thin while trying to make everyone happy by pretending to be something you’re not.

See, I told you not to get me started on the spork. Ugh even the name ‘spork’ is lazy and obnoxious.

Here is what I’ve gathered about which foods can and cannot be eaten with our fingers:

If you’re seeing a pattern, please call it out. I’m certainly not. It’s not messiness (ribs, fries, bacon are all messy). It’s not convenience (steak would be so much easier if we could just eat it like jerky). And it’s not a matter of whether or not the item needs to be cut first (that would be all the more reason to use our fingers to eat it after all the tedious utensil use).

The real issue is I’ve come to a point in life where I’m starting to question everything. All of it. The whole thing. Why do we do any of the things we do? (And just because everyone is doing it, do I have to? I’m pretty sure I was taught my whole life, no I don’t. Maybe that was really only meant to apply for sex and drugs?) Was it one person who decided all these rules long ago? Was it a king? Was it the same king who thought it would make sense to use the size of his foot as a universal form of measurement? Did he also invent the spork? Maybe it’s time for a revolution against the finger vs. fork division! I always thought maybe I’d be lead a revolution one day, little did I know how important it would be.