I’m a conformist. I feel security in aligning with the majority opinion. At least with the more weighty issues of the world such as clothing trends, ways to say “cool,” and movie reviews.

Band wagons I have jumped on throughout my life: Barney, beadie critter keychains, wearing oversized hair scrunchies like a bracelet, switching from skiing to snowboarding, switching from Backstreet Boys to N’Sync, switching from Myspace to Facebook, and wanting a lifted truck (it was a hick town thing). I think it’s safe to say I’m a fad follower.

However, there are a few things I just don’t get. No matter how hard I try I just don’t get it (and seriously I really try to get it because I do not like feeling on the outside).

Now I don’t know if popular negative feelings toward something classifies as a fad (maybe it’s called an anti-fad?), but there are some things out there that people have declared a massive war against and I just don’t see what the problem is.

1. Mayonnaise. There is even a website: holdthemayo.com. It’s only egg yolks and oil. What is the problem? And it’s not as though these mayonnaise haters discriminate against all things fat -butter, or oil, or grease. Some of them love ranch. Somehow their rally cries against mayonnaise has brought shame on those of us that just kind of thought it tasted good. Admittedly there have been times when I skipped the mayonnaise just to skip the judgement. I wonder how many closet mayonnaise lovers there are out there, but the collective intolerance keeps them living a lie.

2. Getting hit on.  I’m pretty sure this belongs on a separate list titled, “Things we don’t mean, but say to disguise bragging.” People HATE being told they’re attractive. What could be worse, right?

3.   PCs. I don’t get it. The passion against PCs is more than just out of loyalty to Macs. People honestly hate PCs as if they were some kind of evil robot. I used one for years and now I use a Mac. Seems about the same to me.  So you can’t Jedi master the mouse like on a Mac, but that hardly warrants this battle cry.

4. McDonalds. Luckily I think we are on the downhill slope of listening to this garbage.  But I still don’t get it. We act as if we’d be so healthy if it weren’t for McDonalds making us all so fat.  A McDonalds hamburger is 250 calories 80 from fat.  No judgement to the gal who will “just have” the Green Goddess Salad at Applebees- it’s only 560 calories 53 from fat. Well I’m not giving up those fries. I won’t.

5. Telling off telemarketers. I get that they are annoying, but how did it become popular to be rude to them? We don’t go out of our way to be rude to any other salesman intercepting our lives (the mall salesmen, door to door salesmen, etc).  But it’s fine to release your almighty wrath on the telemarketer who has the audacity to call you.  Then you tell everyone the story of how you told off Mr.-hates-his-minimum-wage-job-jerk.  High fives all around.

Popular positive fads I don’t get:

1.  The mustache picture. What is so funny? Where did this come from? Why are people putting hair on their lips and taking pictures? I want to laugh so badly with the rest of America, but it’s just not coming.

a.     This also goes for jumping in pictures. Does this signify a great time? Do people synchronize jump when they are having fun? Why are we doing it for pictures? You’d think you’d just take a picture of whatever fun thing you actually did rather than take a picture to make it look like you had fun.  Definitely jumping off this bandwagon.

2.  Diamonds.  They look like glass to me. And I don’t believe anyone who says they can tell the difference between real ones and fake ones. Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, they are con artists.

3.    Modern art. When I look at modern art, I feel like someone is playing a joke on me. It might be impressive if I thought I couldn’t recreate it while on the proper amount of drugs.

4.  Name brands. So-and-so made this. Great, how long will it last and how does it look? It costs HOW much??

5. Calling white people Caucasian. What even is that? I fill in “European American” under “Other” on everything now.  Just to be a smart aleck.That’s all for now. I fear as I get older the list will only grow longer, isolating me more and more until I become a grumpy cat lady.